I dedicate this to Anne......

The state of Colorado faces a crisis. For those who are not aware, I love Colorado. I have grown up here, invested my education here, and I hope to settle here one day. Therefore, I take a strong interest in the political, economical, and environmental well-being of our state. Several current issues are of special concern to me, and we should all be thinking about the best solutions to restore harmony in this wonderful place. First, the I am concerned with the lack of funding for K-12 and higher education, and I see no end to this problem in the near future. I am concerned with recent debate over academic freedom, sparked by an Overland High teacher and student. I am very concered about certain freedoms being threatened, such as the stat-wide smoking ban that was recently passed by our legislatures (but I will not debate that one today).

Yet, as I consider these problems I cannot help but remember one crisis that is taking precedence over all these things, the one thing that is of greatest threat to the success and advancement of this state, and the one thing that I feel more desperate and hopeless about than anything: and that is Adele Arakawa of 9News, and her 10-year outdated hair-do that more resembles a charcoaled bird's nest than anything. Adele’s hair has been on the loose since halfway through the last decade and no one in this state has done anything to stop it. Are you aware that her hair has been the exact same since 1993. There is no progression; in fact, I believe Adele has actually fights progress. Her hair actually wants to change, but she won't allow it, which is why it looks so depressed. Every day she tortures it by converting it to a wild sculpture held in place by large quantities of cheap hairspray. When I watch the news her hair cries out to me and says "Annie, help me. Help her help me. I need to change!" And I am filled with sympathy for her hair and contempt for Adele because she won't change it. Honestly, Adele’s hair looks like a fried wig. Her bangs start halfway back from her forehead and emanate out like black fireworks. On normal heads, hair grows in the direction of gravity; on Adele’s head, hair grows outward, like a chia pet. But sometimes she does change it, she will pull it back into a ponytail. On these days I am deceived because I think she has actually started a new style. But then she turns her head to the side I fall out of my chair because I see the nest is not gone, it was just hiding, and now it looks like a life-threatening tumor protruding out the back of her head. I will watch an entire news program and realize I have retained nothing of news, and all I can think about is Adele’s disgraceful haircut.

Now I want you to understand something. Every person has the right to style their hair how they want, but some people have fewer rights than others. Those people include the CEO's of large companies, legislatures, especially those with the last name Butcher, Presidents of CU (Hoffman unfortunately was never aware of this relinquished right), and most importantly, newscasters. These people must be aware that they are being scrutinized for their appearance 100% of the time. They have a camera focused on them just four-feet away every day. Should these people not be slightly concerned with their appearance? Take Molly Hughes, for example (my personal favorite). Her hair is always updated and completely adorable. Right now she’s sporting the pure-blonde, sleek bob cut, and her bangs are thinned to a reasonable quantity. I can watch Molly without feeling uptight about her hair. This is the same with every other Colorado newscaster, so why is Adele able to get away with such neglect?

I realized about 3.5 years ago that this is a problem. But I realized the true gravity of the situation with the development of High Definition Television, in which 9News now casts their program. This advancement is great for everybody but newscasters. The screen is now so clear that we can see every minor flaw and wrinkle in their faces, as well as the cakey make-up which insufficiently covers it up. But the real problem is that I can now see every fried stringy piece of Adele’s bangs sculpted into perfection like a black and grey rainbow over her forehead. My confusion deepens. I can’t understand how a reasonable, smart individual like Adele could let her hair reach a state of such depravity, or how no friend will help her out with her problem.

Perhaps I am judging too hard. I realize hair is a personal choice, but Adele’s personal choice has become a Colorado crisis. When people visit this wonderful state and see a hair-do like Adele’s on the local news, I am concerned they might never come back. Is this the impression that we want our outsiders to have? That we are some rural, outdated state of people who cannot manage our hair? This questions the integrity of the entire state.

Last year I attended the 9News Leader of the Year Luncheon, at which Adele was the keynote speaker. I am proud to say that Adele was and still is the best public speaker I have ever heard. I am also proud to say that my table was far enough back that I couldn't see her hair, which was surprising considering that it sits 5 ½ inches above her head. I wanted to find her afterward and pull her aside so we could have a few words, but she was no where to be found. It made me wonder if she always leaves functions so that her frustrated fans won’t confront her about it. I hope this is not the case.

Either way, I have set out to save Adele’s hair. Even after 10+ years of abuse I still have faith that it can be restored. It will need some deep conditioning treatment, some serious pep-talking for Adele, and a new hair stylist, but I believe in miracles. Let us work together to restore the welfare and prosperity of Adele—and Colorado—by joining together in our disapproval of this madness.