I describe myself publicly as independent. It is a more attractive way to identify that above all I am extraordinarily selfish. This quality carries neither a negative nor a positive connotation for me; knowing it merely enables me to order my life in a way that I do not make life difficult for those I become close to. In other words, I have determined it is best that I navigate my way through adolescence single. Decisions, emotions, action, thoughts, preferences are all met via a process that I alone determine. This way, screw-ups and my annoying tendencies may be attributed entirely to me and more important, all mistakes can effect only me. Now as a scholar and fan of leadership, my life's work will unavoidably bear consequences that affect a large number of people (most of which I pray will be positive), which I understand and accept. My efforts to remain "independent" (and for the occasion of this blog single) exist exclusively on the level of personal. Allow me to arrange snapshot of me, so that you may better understand how I have come to this realization.
-I like to wake up early and make a lot of noise while I, in an order that is never linear and never the same, eat a large bowl of cereal, blast classical music, shower, beautify and all the while make morning routine messes.
-I do not think systematically or ahead and therefore never keep enough groceries around and often leave clean clothes in the dryer for up to a week while still pulling needed shirts and socks from it.
-I enjoy an occasional cigarette on the porch while reading a book, one of usually four that I am reading at any given time and unless I have a deadline will probably not finish since I have no qualms with reading the first 150 pages of a book and re-shelving it (to be sure, I have an impressive collection of half-read books, which allows me to participate in conversations about the book when they emerge among friends, but satisfies my issues with literary commitment). I cannot finish books the way I cannot finish an email in one sitting, a full cup of tea, or personal projects.
-I nag others about exercising when really it is just me trying to motivate myself to stay in shape.
-I love wine to the point where I appear to my family (mother specifically) to be an alcoholic.
-I am awful with finances and for this reason should never, ever combine them with another person. Thankfully, my ends manage to always meet, which I attribute to not to two parts luck and one part fullfilment of Biblical promises.
-I consider myself a decent cook (TERRIBLE baker, of course….the measurements and all the instructions….impossible!) but am only motivated to cook for company. I myself could happily live off almonds and granola for weeks.
-While in Germany I learned what it means to be alone. True aloneness means there are periods of time, perhaps days, where no one in the entire world knows where you are and may or may not be able to contact you. I adapted to and grew on this state of being perhaps a little too quickly and comfortably. Today, returned and once again embedded in my home community, I compensate for this loss of independence by offering worthy inquirers only edited, limited information regarding my whereabouts and activities. I enjoy the thrill of experiencing the world in a way that only I will understand and having my own "secret" memories of people and places. Moreover, I have learned that I am probably the only person actually interested in the daily details of my life. Knowing that I am the person most excited about my own life offers me an incredible sense of comfort and satisfaction.
-I do not fear loneliness, as so many forces encourage us to. Loneliness is thrilling, its free, and it's borderless. No one can stop the lonely single woman, because the lonely woman has no one to stop her; it’s the perfect logic. And by the way, by "stopping her" I do not mean in an explicit way... "You cannot go". It occurs, rather, subconsciously and minutely. Her choice in clothes, food, music and destinations is inadvertently influenced by him, which of course I do not judge as wrong or bad, but simply, not uniquely personal. There exists of course one danger here, and that is lack of accountability, which is an important element to the balanced life. But being single and lonely does not mean there are no friends, and friends, when chosen wisely, can be incredible advocates for our best interests.
-I hate the label Opinionated. I prefer Thinker. Tomatoes-tomatoes….I am verbally expressive about the things I think about. What's worse, I am often unaware of the effects of my verbal discharge and find later that my words stuck with someone over time. This can of course be positive or negative…. but always powerful. I try to bridle it, but only so far that it assists in meeting my ends, which is perhaps less than desirable in a relationship. Partners are not instruments but I cannot resist the urge to tune them to my ear.
-Forgetfulness. Ah yes, this one is no good. Birthdays, ingredients, personal items on buses, bills, calls to return….you name it, I've forgotten it. It doesn't get on my nerves, but other people are less eager to forgive my poor memory. It is the recipe for disaster when paired with the thoughtful and diligent partner.
-And if all the above did not convince you, I will remind you of my sorry attempts at pet ownership. Namely, the poor beta fish James Brown, who I am watching right now as he sleeps at the surface (are they supposed to do that?). He has had a less than bountiful life as my pet of three months. When I left town for a week last month I entirely forgot to find a critter-sitter to feed him, and I can count on one hand the number of times I have changed his bowl. I wake every day and marvel at the small miracle that he still lives.
I prefer living alone, I detest checking in with people, I am spontaneous only when I feel like it, and like a child, grow irritated when highly anticipated events do not go my way. My kind was not designed for partnership. And thank God I live in the world today, because now more than ever there are ways for us to live happily ever after without eternal matrimony. Travel, connectedness, and many other fulfilling experiences are possible without the help of an intimate other. The globalized world is all about catering to the wants and needs of the highly selfish, independent movers and shakers. Whether the creators of modern globalization intended for this effect to so positively impact women who resist romantic co-existence I do not know, but I am glad that there are alternatives for the above-identified personality.
